Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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