I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
