We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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