I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
