Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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