I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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