I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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