OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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