Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
