hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
