Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
