im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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