By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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