What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
