a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
