every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize