Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Randomize
