I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
