I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
