are you so shy because you have an std?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
