I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
