Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
