This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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