I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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