dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
