You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
