Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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