Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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