If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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