I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
