seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
