mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
