I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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