Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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