I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
