I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
