Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
