Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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