I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
