So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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