if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
