I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
