how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it hurts more in the daytime
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
