I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
