You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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