my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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