I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
