2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
