Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
