My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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