she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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