My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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