I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
