Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
its not stalking. its research.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
