If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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